I found the following in a book entitled, "Don't throw a brick straight up!" Have you ever noticed how crazy our world has become? I think everyone is frightened that they are going to be sued. Companies seem to be so scared that they feel obliged to go over the top when giving you instructions.
I personally have come across two examples recently. The instructions that came with my new microwave oven actually say the following: "Always check inside your oven for small children and animals, before switching on." It doesn't actually go on to say what you should do if you find any small children or animals, nor whether or not this is a good or bad thing!
The second example is the warning that is printed on the cardboard cups used for McDonalds coffee: "This may contain hot liquid". Well, yes, I was hoping that it would. This warning actually makes your cup of coffee sound like a bit of a lottery........... it may be hot, or then again.... Anyway, hope you enjoy the following and don't try them at home!
Don't eat rocks.
Don't take naps on the road.
Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
Don't breathe car exhaust.
If you meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're travelling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
Don't flip off the mafia.
If you are riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
Light birthday candles from the back to the front.
Don't shave with a lawn mower.
Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should stick things into them.
Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what is inside.
The warning 'DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME' really means 'DON'T TRY THIS AT ALL'.
Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
The expression 'life in the fast lane' should not inspire you to live on the road.
Don't eat hot coals.
Don't escape into jail.
Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
Sell at MOST just one of your kidneys.
Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
Don't snap towels at passing cops.
Only squeeze the HANDLE of a sword.
Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
Don't lick dry ice.
Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it is right side up.
Don't pour salt in your eyes.
Your body had the correct amount of holes in it. Don't make anymore.
Don't microwave yourself.
Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
Don't swallow toothpaste.
Don't chew Tylenol.
Don't bathe in gasoline.
Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
Don't lick toads, bulls or jellyfish.
Don't go swimming in a well.
Rake leaves, not people.
Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
Contrary to popular belief, you are not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
If you want to chew gum, buy some. Do not use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theatres even though it is free.
Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window. Use the stairs.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it is sufficiently hot.
Better still, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on cactus is bad.
Elvis is dead. Get over it.
Wear clothes.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propellor.
Don't brush your teeth with a wire bristled sanding wheel.
When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
When using a blow gun .. something you should always have a very good reason for using anyway .. draw your breath BEFORE placing your lips around the barrel.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
What is one of the most stupid things you have ever done?
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