The following was sent to me by a very good male friend, Jon. I have added some comments where necessary, in blue.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. We want you to tell us the truth... we are NOT fat, OK?2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. Sheer good manners dictate that YOU put it down when you are done.3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. OK, you control us?? I think not. By the way don't you ever think about growing your hair beyond your collar. That pony tail? Forget it. Bushy beard? forget it, YUK!4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again! Why not just ask us what we would like??5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. You should learn to always give the correct answer first time round.6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Just pretend.7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. You really do have a very small mind set, don't you.8. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Sunday = You and Me time and Sport has no place.9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. Generally I would agree that shopping isn't a sport, BUT, I did the weekly shop at Asda today and that has made me rethink. The Asda shopping experience is something else!!!
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really? Ok, next time we are going to one of your work "do's" where all your colleagues will be out in force....I'll go in my pyjamas, see how you like that.11. You have enough clothes. This is objective.12. You have too many shoes. A girl NEVER has too many shoes, stupid.
13. Crying is blackmail. No crying means you have upset us ....AGAIN.14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. This is probably true, but then I'm good at choosing idiots!15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! Do you have no intuition? Where's your crystal ball? We expect you to know from listening to us, what it is that we need or want.16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. How stupid are you? Has dementia set in already?? Not knowing when our birthday is or our anniversary, says loud and clear that you don't care that much.17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes. And yet you claim to be able to get a hole in one on the golf course....strange.18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress. You ned to practise this.19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question. If you like holding monosyllabic conversations.20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for. A man will never be able to solve a woman's problems...they are the problem.21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor. I did, he suggests divorce.22. Foreign films are for foreigners. I hope you don't ever watch any Hollywood movies then. By your reckoning they are only for American viewers.23. Check your oil. I do. I currently have several bottles, olive oil, groundnut oil, corn oil, and half a bottle of rape seed oil. Oh you meant in the car.... No sorry, that is YOUR job, why else do you think I keep you? 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. Ok, next time, I'll let you know just how ineffective.25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. Worried I'll score higher than you?26. No, it does not matter which quiz. Agreed, whatever the quiz is, I will score higher.27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. Once you have said something you can't ever take it back no matter how much time goes past.28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Don't worry, you're no soap opera guy anyway.29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other. Can't you just learn to say the right thing?30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic. Oggling is rude and insensitive. To say it is genetic is a pathetic male excuse for poor behaviour.31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Do we get a refund when we have done all the "rubbing" and no genie appears? Thought not.32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both. You are simple minded creatures, you need explicit instructions. After all you can't even remember simple dates or put toilet seats down. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials. Why would we talk over the commercials when they are better than your sports rubbish.34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we. Christopher Columbus stumbled upon America purely by accident. He was actually trying to find a westward sea passage to the Orient. If only he had of stopped to answer directions!35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. You really are pathetic.36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. Boobs are for feeding babies, grow up.37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. You're right, it can't be. I know what you are really like now.38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. How limiting for you. You are quite inferior to us aren't you. There is so much that you can't do or perceive, shame.39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Correct! Well done!40. If it itches, it will be scratched. Not in public please. Watching you ferreting around with your hand down your trousers scratching your bum is not a sight we want to see, thank you.41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Handbags are not exciting they are necessary. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. Because your stuff is all old tat. We don't need piles of old magazines in the living room. We don't need your old battered guitar with it's one string propped up in the bedroom....shall I continue?43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. We don't expect you to read minds, just to listen to what we say.44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. We say nothing because it is OBVIOUS what is wrong and it's usually YOU!45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together. In your dreams only! Anyway, you are unlikely to hear from any old girlfriends as they will have worked out by now that you are an idiot.46. What the hell is a doily? A doily (or doilie) is a small ornamental mat usually made of cotton or linen, placed underneath a dish or bowl. Openwork allows the table surface to show through. In addition to their decorative function, doilies have the utilitarian role of protecting fine-wood furniture from the scratches caused by crockery. In more recent times, paper doilies have become common, and are often used to decorate a plate of food, underlying the food for ornamentation. Fancy not knowing that! Thick or what!
13. Crying is blackmail. No crying means you have upset us ....AGAIN.14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. This is probably true, but then I'm good at choosing idiots!15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! Do you have no intuition? Where's your crystal ball? We expect you to know from listening to us, what it is that we need or want.16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. How stupid are you? Has dementia set in already?? Not knowing when our birthday is or our anniversary, says loud and clear that you don't care that much.17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes. And yet you claim to be able to get a hole in one on the golf course....strange.18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress. You ned to practise this.19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question. If you like holding monosyllabic conversations.20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for. A man will never be able to solve a woman's problems...they are the problem.21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor. I did, he suggests divorce.22. Foreign films are for foreigners. I hope you don't ever watch any Hollywood movies then. By your reckoning they are only for American viewers.23. Check your oil. I do. I currently have several bottles, olive oil, groundnut oil, corn oil, and half a bottle of rape seed oil. Oh you meant in the car.... No sorry, that is YOUR job, why else do you think I keep you? 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. Ok, next time, I'll let you know just how ineffective.25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. Worried I'll score higher than you?26. No, it does not matter which quiz. Agreed, whatever the quiz is, I will score higher.27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. Once you have said something you can't ever take it back no matter how much time goes past.28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Don't worry, you're no soap opera guy anyway.29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other. Can't you just learn to say the right thing?30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic. Oggling is rude and insensitive. To say it is genetic is a pathetic male excuse for poor behaviour.31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Do we get a refund when we have done all the "rubbing" and no genie appears? Thought not.32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both. You are simple minded creatures, you need explicit instructions. After all you can't even remember simple dates or put toilet seats down. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials. Why would we talk over the commercials when they are better than your sports rubbish.34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we. Christopher Columbus stumbled upon America purely by accident. He was actually trying to find a westward sea passage to the Orient. If only he had of stopped to answer directions!35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. You really are pathetic.36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. Boobs are for feeding babies, grow up.37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. You're right, it can't be. I know what you are really like now.38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. How limiting for you. You are quite inferior to us aren't you. There is so much that you can't do or perceive, shame.39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Correct! Well done!40. If it itches, it will be scratched. Not in public please. Watching you ferreting around with your hand down your trousers scratching your bum is not a sight we want to see, thank you.41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Handbags are not exciting they are necessary. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. Because your stuff is all old tat. We don't need piles of old magazines in the living room. We don't need your old battered guitar with it's one string propped up in the bedroom....shall I continue?43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. We don't expect you to read minds, just to listen to what we say.44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. We say nothing because it is OBVIOUS what is wrong and it's usually YOU!45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together. In your dreams only! Anyway, you are unlikely to hear from any old girlfriends as they will have worked out by now that you are an idiot.46. What the hell is a doily? A doily (or doilie) is a small ornamental mat usually made of cotton or linen, placed underneath a dish or bowl. Openwork allows the table surface to show through. In addition to their decorative function, doilies have the utilitarian role of protecting fine-wood furniture from the scratches caused by crockery. In more recent times, paper doilies have become common, and are often used to decorate a plate of food, underlying the food for ornamentation. Fancy not knowing that! Thick or what!
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